A disarming approach to conversations in a conflict-crazed world
We all know the power of words in human relationships.
Take the words “I’m sorry.” for example. These words, when expressed whole-heartedly, can bring people together like no other.
There is, however, another (not so popular) phrase that has even more power to bring people together. It is the phrase, “You’re right.” These words have tremendous ability to bridge even the most furious gaps between human ideologies and opinions. Say it out loud again…
“You’re right.”
When was the last time you said these words to someone? Anyone?
For most of us, it is a distant memory to recall the last time we uttered this phrase. Some of us will have a hard time recalling ANY time that we have said those words humbly and whole-heartedly to another human being. Oh, you may have said it to someone in an attempt to shut down a conversation, but that doesn’t count. You may have said it to someone with whom you agree...that doesn’t really count either, does it? Agreeing with the talking head on TV or your social media “doppelganger” is just a manifestation of our own attraction to anything that agrees with our own confirmation bias, right?
I mean when was the last time you said it calmly and humbly to another person in an attempt to gain common ground when there wasn’t much to speak of? When was the last time you said it to someone with a different worldview than you? Could you even listen to them long enough to find something that you agree with?
Crickets? This is why I needed to write this down. It is something that needs to be said. On the heels of yet another contentious national election this needs to be said.
“You’re right.”
In most cases, this phrase is reserved only for our most intimate relationships. These are words that we would (almost begrudgingly) say to our family, a best friend, our spouse after we have tried everything else. We would never think of expressing this phrase to a stranger when we seem to be at odds. In my opinion, this is why the world seems so divided. We have lost our ability to be humble. To listen. To affirm. This phrase can change all of that, but only if it is used humbly, authentically and often.
Finding common ground is a strategy for establishing unity in a divided world. It is a revelation of the power of these two words to heal relationships (from your most intimate relationships to the wild west of social circles where no two people think alike). It has been born out of years of pastoral ministry and real-life mediations. It has been something I have been learning for myself and it feels too important to ignore.
It is a plea for us to elevate the words, “You’re right” in almost every situation.
It is easy to say in some situations because someone is agreeing with us, but it is most difficult to say when a person seems diametrically opposed to us in every way. These words have the power to create the foundation for real conversation and (dare I say) unity in a fragmented world. If this thought intrigues you, read on. I hope that this concept changes your world as it did mine!
Pride and Loneliness
The precepts of this post revolve around a revelation I had a few years ago in the midst of some personal conflict I was navigating with people who mattered very much to me. As a follower of Christ, I knew that I was called to be a peace-maker. It’s a simple idea, but that didn’t make it easy. In fact, at times it seemed as if everything inside of me wanted to rebel against Jesus’ teachings on peace. I wanted to prove my “right-ness” and found how inflexible I could become.
As I doubled-down on my “right-ness”, I watched some who seemed to be at odds with me drift away one by one. Eventually, I discovered that it was my pride motivating my desire to be right. That inflexibility can lead to an exodus of friends leaving as a result of pride. It became clear to me in that season that prideful people are lonely people.
Prideful people are lonely people.
Everybody’s Right (about something)
In my loneliness, I cried out to God with a broken heart brought on by relationship failure. The Holy Spirit is the best discipler around (He is the Spirit of Jesus, the Greatest Discipler after all!) and when I humbled myself, He stepped in. His answer didn’t bring me an instantaneous improvement. It actually threw me into greater upheaval as the Holy Spirit challenged the roots of my pride.
He said two words to me.
“Everybody’s right”
I choked.
"No, they aren't" I said to myself.
Since that first moment, I have repeated this phrase in multiple situations as a bit of an experiment.
"Everyone is right."
The statement begs to be disproven. I have said this phrase aloud to others who are embroiled in arguments and almost immediately they try to refute. However, I have found that the truth of this statement can bypass any confirmation bias. Inevitably, each person takes a step back from their own position to see that there may be some common ground between them and the person they seem to disagree with so vehemently if they let down their guard.
It is important to recognize that the phrase is not "Everbody's right about everything." We know intuitively that it is impossible to be completely right about everything. It is also equally important that we recognize that the opposite phrase is just as true as the initial assertion. If I say, "Everybody's wrong" I would also be speaking the truth with the same condition. Everybody's right or wrong (about something). Not one person alive can be completely right about everything, no matter how much you want it to be true.
We can only know what we know. To assume that you know what someone else knows is presumptive and arrogant. It takes humility to search for as place of agreement and then be the first to say “you’re right.” So how can we start applying this concept to our everyday encounters?
Practice the Pause
Do we want to be right or do we want peace? There is a fine line between standing up for our beliefs and flat out offending an entire group of folks that you know nothing about. I choose civility, because my opinion is my own...It's just my opinion. When confronted with a differing opinion, I can stay right by holding my peace. How does this concept strike you? Is it possible to agree with someone without abandoning your own right-ness? Can you be right in your argument and yet be wrong about how you disagree? Let me hear your thoughts!
